In audio intercepts from the front lines in Ukraine, Russian soldiers speak in shorthand of 200s to mean dead, 300s to mean wounded. The urge to flee has become common enough that they also talk of 500s 鈥 people who refuse to fight.
As the war grinds into its second winter, a growing number of Russian soldiers want out, as suggested in of Russian soldiers calling home from the battlefields of the Kharkiv, Luhansk and Donetsk regions in Ukraine.
The calls offer a rare glimpse of the war as it looked through Russian eyes 鈥 a point of view that seldom makes its way into Western media, largely because to speak honestly about the conflict in Ukraine. They also show clearly how the war has progressed, who initially powered Vladimir Putin鈥檚 full-scale invasion to men from all walks of life compelled to serve in grueling conditions.
鈥淭here鈥檚 no f------ 鈥榙ying the death of the brave鈥 here,鈥 one soldier told his brother from the front in Ukraine鈥檚 Kharkiv region. 鈥淵ou just die like a f------ earthworm.鈥
The prospect of another wave of mobilization lingers, even as Moscow has been trying to with the military. Russia鈥檚 annual autumn conscription draft kicked off in October, pulling in some 130,000 fresh young men. Though Moscow says conscripts won鈥檛 be sent to Ukraine, after a year of service they automatically become reservists 鈥 prime candidates for mobilization.
The AP verified the identities of people in the calls by speaking with relatives and soldiers 鈥 some of whom are still at war in Ukraine 鈥 and researching open-source material linked to the phone numbers used by the soldiers.
The conversations, picked up in January 2023 鈥 some from near the in Bakhmut 鈥 have been edited for length and clarity. Names have been omitted to protect the soldiers and their relatives.
The voices in these calls are of men who didn鈥檛 or couldn鈥檛 flee mobilization. Some had no money, no education and no options. Others believed in patriotic duty. One worked in a meat processing plant, cutting bone. Another worked at a law firm. A third, who worked as a roofer and later at a supermarket company, had a string of debts and had defaulted on his utilities payments, records show.
It is hard to say how representative these calls are of sentiment in but their desperation is matched by a spike in legal cases against soldiers in Russia who refuse to fight.
What鈥檚 happening in Ukraine is 鈥渟imply genocide,鈥 the soldier in Kharkiv told his brother. 鈥淚f this s--- doesn鈥檛 stop, then soon we鈥檒l be leading the Ukrainians to the Kremlin ourselves,鈥 he said.
鈥淭his is just a huge testing ground, where the whole world is testing their weapons, f--- it, and sizing up their d----,鈥 he went on. "That鈥檚 all.鈥
But there are other voices, too, of men who remain committed to the fight.
鈥淎s long as we are needed here, we will carry out our task,鈥 a soldier named Artyom told AP from eastern Ukraine at the end of May, where he鈥檇 been stationed for eight months without break. 鈥淛ust stop asking me these stupid questions.鈥
The Kremlin and Russian Ministry of Defense did not respond to requests for comment.
SOLDIER: 鈥楤ONES, TEARS 鈥 ALL THE SAME, THEY ARE THE SAME AS WE ARE鈥
When he finally got to go home, it came at a terrible price: his brother鈥檚 life.
Nicknamed 鈥淐razy Professor鈥 because of his disheveled hair, he was swept up in the first days of Russia鈥檚 September 2022 draft. The soldier said he was assured that he wouldn鈥檛 see combat and would get to go home every six months.
Neither turned out to be true.
After a few weeks of training, the Professor was sent to the front line near Bakhmut as a mortarman. He wanted out almost immediately. He was ill-equipped, at least compared to the well-camouflaged Wagner soldiers wandering around.
鈥淭hey have night vision and automatic rifles with cool silencers. I have an automatic rifle from 1986 or hell knows what year,鈥 he told his brother in a January phone call.
It was his job to aim, but the Russian army鈥檚 coordinates were so sloppy that soldiers ended up killing each other.
The Professor said his commander instructed them not to kill civilians, but who was a civilian and who was a combatant? Even a kid could carry a grenade, he told his brother. Where did the mortars he fired land? Had he killed children?
The worst was when he was out with young guys in his unit. There was just a strip of woods between them and the Ukrainians.
鈥淚 imagined that there, on the other side, there could be young people just like us. And they have their whole lives ahead of them,鈥 he told AP in June. 鈥淏ones, tears 鈥 all the same, they are the same as we are.鈥
The Professor told himself he didn鈥檛 really have a choice: Either fire the mortar or face criminal charges and end up in a pit or a prison.
鈥淚f you don鈥檛 like something, if you refuse to do something, you鈥檙e considered a refusenik," he told AP. "That is, you鈥檙e a 鈥500鈥 right away. 鈥 So we had to follow orders. Whether we wanted to or not.鈥
The Professor never thought he鈥檇 be a refusenik one day too.
___
The Professor: The worst thing is that there might even be children there, you know.
Brother: And what can you do. 鈥 You have your orders. 鈥 It seems to me that if it had been voluntary, you wouldn鈥檛 have gone.
The Professor: You know, I鈥檓 glad about that. Plus, we did such a good job that they gave us a car. The downside is, you know, how many lives were ruined for the sake of a car?
Brother: Not of your own free will.
The Professor: I鈥檓 already so tired.
Brother: I believe it. Time to come home. I wish you could come home. Not so that you could home but so that all of this could be over already.
___
In the spring, as the Professor鈥檚 brothers drove down a road outside their hometown in Russia, a car made a U-turn into the side of their vehicle, sending it spinning as a semi bore down on them.
One brother was killed. Another survived but now cannot walk, family members told AP.
Desperate to go home to bury his brother, the Professor said he got approval from his commander for a 10-day leave. Military police in Russian-controlled territory in Luhansk let him through, he said, and he paid for his own taxi ride home. Once he got back to Russia, however, he was told he didn鈥檛 have the right paperwork.
Not long after the funeral, the Professor got a message from his commanding officer: 鈥淲hat is happening there? Are you going to come back or stay there?鈥
鈥淚鈥檒l collect the documents, and then we鈥檒l decide everything,鈥 he wrote back.
Two hours later, around midnight, his commander responded: 鈥淚鈥檓 reporting you as AWOL, unauthorized abandonment of the unit. It was nice fighting together.鈥
Now he faces up to 10 years in prison.
He hired a lawyer. Months into a 10-day leave, he can鈥檛 even apply for an extension to legalize his stay and help his family because he doesn鈥檛 have the right documents. He said his brother can move around on his arms and mostly get into his wheelchair by himself, but can't function independently.
People from the military came to his home, he said. Terrified they鈥檇 arrest him if he went outside, he passed documents attesting to the dire state of his family鈥檚 health to them through the window.
His lawyer told him to look on the bright side. 鈥淵ou are the only, well, how do I put this 鈥 at least, you鈥檙e the only healthy person here.鈥
His mother is at the end of her endurance.
鈥淚 write everywhere, I call everywhere, too. Because he was told that he has to return to his unit,鈥 his mother told AP. 鈥淏ut how can he leave his brother? I have no one.鈥
Now, the Professor has visions of dead people. They stare back at him. He can almost hear them walking nearby. Sometimes he bolts awake at night, sweating, or dives under the covers at the sound of a whistle.
He wants his old life back, that sweet time he had with his wife and baby. He has picked up some roofing work at construction sites, and his neighbor proposed a new side job: digging graves.
ARTYOM: 'EVERYBODY'S F------ MAD, F------ GLOOMY AS HELL'
Artyom left behind a string of debts in Russia. Things got even worse in Ukraine, where it was so cold he couldn鈥檛 wash his underwear and his lighter kept freezing.
鈥淚t鈥檚 not like I鈥檓 having any f------ fun here, day in day out. It鈥檚 been f------ four months already,鈥 he told his wife in January. 鈥淓verybody鈥檚 f------ mad, f------ gloomy as hell.鈥
It was New Year鈥檚 Day, and the Russians were getting bombarded by Ukrainians and not even firing back, he said.
鈥淵esterday we were f------ bombarded, for f---鈥檚 sake, we didn鈥檛 even get a single shell out, not a single f------ shell,鈥 he told his wife.
The war seemed senseless to him. Why wasn鈥檛 Putin satisfied with Crimea? What business did they have trying to take Kharkiv and Kyiv? Why was everyone lying about how great things were at the front?
No one was saying the one thing he wanted to hear: that he could go home.
___
Artyom: Yesterday we were listening to the radio and someone f------ said, 鈥渢he situation with mobilized soldiers is f------ wonderful.鈥 I don鈥檛 know who the f------ idiot is who said that. 鈥淥nly five thousand people died.鈥
Wife: Mhm. Of course.
Artyom: F------ s---heads. I think half of them are probably gone at this point.
Wife: Right.
Artyom: Five thousand people my ass.
___
Artyom doesn鈥檛 have much sympathy for draft dodgers and deserters, though he can see the wisdom in making a run for it.
鈥淭hat鈥檚 what you have to do, given the chance,鈥 he told his wife. 鈥淭his is not the best f------ place to be 鈥 But then they鈥檙e gonna say you鈥檙e a f------ freak who ran away. I don鈥檛 f------ need that.鈥
He told her he鈥檒l stay put and follow orders. 鈥淚f God wills it so that you鈥檙e gonna f------ die, you鈥檙e gonna f------ die, can鈥檛 do much about it.鈥
The AP reached Artyom by phone at the end of May. He was still in eastern Ukraine, where he鈥檇 been serving for eight months without break.
Artyom said he鈥檇 been 鈥渁 little worn out mentally鈥 when he was speaking with his wife. He said he loved his family before the war and loved them even more now. He regrets he didn鈥檛 spend more time with them.
鈥淚 have to save the guys who are with me in the trenches 鈥 and myself,鈥 he said. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 what I want to do. And to put down the Ukrainians faster and go home.鈥
ROMAN: 鈥業 ALREADY FEEL MORE PITY SHOOTING A BIRD THAN A PERSON鈥
After two months on the front lines north of Bakhmut, Roman had some advice for his friend and former colleague back in Russia: Avoid this war any way you can.
鈥淚鈥檓 telling you honestly, if there鈥檚 even a slight chance, get exempted from service. But if the summons comes for mobilization, f--- it to hell. Join , or wherever you can. God forbid the mobilized. The mobilized are the lowest.鈥
Roman explained that professional contract soldiers are taken care of: They get to go on leave, launder their clothes and bathe. They don鈥檛 have to struggle for food and water.
Meanwhile, mobilized soldiers like him are shoved in trenches with men from all walks of life, some of whom don鈥檛 even know how to hold guns. They never get to leave, and their commanders 鈥 鈥渨eak wusses,鈥 he says 鈥 aren鈥檛 much help. He鈥檚 had to buy night vision goggles with his own money. There鈥檚 not enough to eat and no clean drinking water. Soldiers are licking at snowflakes and scooping up rainwater to drink. He said he lost 30 kilos (over 60 pounds). The diarrhea hasn鈥檛 helped.
鈥淚t came to the point that there were puddles, it had rained, and the guys scooped up all the puddles and drank,鈥 Roman told his friend. 鈥淪now fell, f------ s---, and the snow didn鈥檛 even reach the ground, the guys caught it and ate it.鈥
When he arrived in Ukraine in November 2022, Roman was part of a unit of 100 men. By early January, about a third were gone.
Roman said he鈥檚 been lucky twice. Once he got food poisoning and stayed back while a group of scouts went out. They never came back. Another time, he was carrying water and tripped and fell just as a shell landed, killing others nearby.
Surrounded by a horseshoe of Ukrainian troops, Roman said it was like being on the tip of a toilet seat, in constant fear that their supply lines, thin as they were, would get cut off.
Roman had to scoop a man鈥檚 guts back into his body 鈥 an act that didn鈥檛 save the guy鈥檚 life. Another time, he went out to defecate in a field, and tanks started firing around him. He just kept squatting till he was done. After two months of living like this, so scared you鈥檒l shoot at the softest sound in the dark, even the strongest minds started to fray.
鈥淲e survive because we are on edge all the time,鈥 he said. 鈥淓ven guys from our own side don鈥檛 come close, especially at night. When we are on duty, we warn everyone that we will shoot at anything that rustles.鈥
Roman said his cousin was killed by a shell that took out a dozen soldiers. His family managed to get his body 鈥 or at least half of his body 鈥 back to Russia, but the other 11 soldiers lay unclaimed in Ukraine.
It wasn鈥檛 just the killing that did people in, it was the sense that they鈥檇 been forgotten.
___
Roman: Our group is made up of guys who are sufficiently strong, morally, and guys like that. It was the first wave. Guys came together who are sufficiently patriotic, roughly speaking, who knew what it was to fight. After two months, they start to lose it. For many of them, their psyche was broken.
Friend: Yeah, I understand, all of the killing of course.
Roman: Yes, the killing is everywhere. A f------ lot of corpses. Some were stabbed with a knife, but that鈥檚 not the point. Psyches are not broken because of this. These are people who are professionals, it鈥檚 our national army, these professionals come to our position. 鈥楩---, it鈥檚 f----- up here.鈥 They turn around and leave. That is, they are replaced, they have rotation, they are given leave, their clothes are washed and ironed, they wash in the bathhouse, they have no problem with food, they have no problem with water. It鈥檚 not like this for us. It once came to the point that there were puddles, it had rained, and the guys scooped up all the puddles and drank.
___
The 鈥渄epressing, horrible鈥 panic that attacked him at the beginning of his tour has subsided. The calls home help.
One night, Roman got pulled into a special mission. They snuck into a Ukrainian dugout, knives drawn, hacked up a bunch of men and captured a Ukrainian officer for questioning. Death was everywhere, on both sides of the front.
鈥淔---, I already feel more pity shooting a bird than a person," Roman told his friend.
Contacted by the AP, both men declined to comment.
ANDREI: 鈥楾HE MOBILIZED ARE NOT CONSIDERED HUMANS鈥
After four months in Ukraine, Andrei concluded that his life meant nothing to Moscow.
Called up for military service from a small town in Russia鈥檚 far east, he soon found himself in eastern Ukraine鈥檚 Donetsk province, on the southern approach to Bakhmut.
Andrei鈥檚 unit was taking heavy losses, and no one was even shooting back at the Ukrainians, he said. People were dying from friendly fire. Mobilized men like him were being forced to sign contracts.
鈥淭he mobilized are not considered humans,鈥 he told his mother. 鈥淣o one gives a damn about us. They think that for 200,000 (rubles) we should die here.鈥
Mutiny was in the air.
___
Andrei: Our boys are dying for nothing. It鈥檚 nonsense, I tell you. This is not a war at all. When I come back, I鈥檒l tell you what鈥檚 going on here. It鈥檚 all bull----. I鈥檓 telling you, our boys are dying, going 300, and no one even shoots back. It鈥檚 all nonsense. Our artillery is hammering our own dugouts, not theirs. What is that?
Mother: What for?
Andrei: They, like, miss the mark. 鈥 Here, if they don鈥檛 get you, your own will.
Mother: (Inaudible)
Andrei: I鈥檓 telling you, you just start going nuts here, like everything pisses you off. Because you can鈥檛 do s--- about it. Nobody gives a s---. It鈥檚 a half year and that鈥檚 it. F--- them. If they don鈥檛 relieve us, if they don鈥檛 pull us out, the whole company will just walk away. They can鈥檛 put a crowd of 100 people on trial.
Mother: They have no right to keep you longer.
Andrei: No one gives a damn here. We were told the other day that they forgot about us a little bit here. But they didn鈥檛 just forget about us 鈥 they f----- us.
___
Mobilized soldiers like him are treated worst of all, he told his mom. They鈥檙e not allowed to leave 鈥 even if they get injured 鈥 because commanders fear they鈥檒l never come back.
___
Andrei: Well, our guys are getting killed in droves.
Mother: Judging by what I 鈥
Andrei: I鈥檓 telling you. In droves from our side. If a contract soldier is wounded, he鈥檚 sent home. If a mobilized soldier is wounded, they treat him, patch him up a bit, and tell him to go the f--- back, why the hell are you dodging? All in all, if you get sick here, you will not be sent home. They won鈥檛 give a damn, and you鈥檒l die in this pit where you live in. You can鈥檛 get sick here at all.
Mother: Better not get sick. (Inaudible)
Andrei: This is how s--- works here. As long as you are useful, they like know who you are. And when you become useless, then nobody needs you. They forget about you.
___
He said the only reason he鈥檚 still alive is luck and regrets finding himself at war. 鈥淭his is my only mistake in life,鈥 he said. 鈥淚 will not fall into the same trap twice.鈥
鈥淕od gives you one chance,鈥 his mother responded. 鈥淕od willing, you鈥檒l come home.鈥
In September, Andrei鈥檚 mother told AP her son was home, keeping himself busy with his family and collecting pine cones from the taiga.
She said she was born in Ukraine and her mother still lives there. She said it pains her that Ukraine is now filled with 鈥渢raitors and fascists.鈥
鈥淚 hate your current rulers,鈥 she said. 鈥淎re you blind or stupid? Or can鈥檛 you see that there are no normal people? Or do you want your children to turn into monkeys, like in America? What is this? I don鈥檛 recognize my homeland, where I was born and went to school.鈥
___
AP reporters Lynn Berry in Washington and Alla Konstantinova in Vilnius, Lithuania, contributed to this report. Students from the Russian translation and interpretation program at Middlebury Institute of International Studies also contributed to this report.
___
More AP coverage at
