There’s the initial shock and chaos in a collective disaster like the deadly and destructive California wildfires. What to take and what to leave behind when ordered to evacuate? Will your house still be there?
Later, for many, there’s the grief and pain of actually losing a home, the countless threads of daily life woven there, the sense of safety it once provided. The stress, uncertainty and financial challenges of piecing a life back together.
It can take a toll.
Along with meeting urgent physical needs in the aftermath of disasters like wildfires and , there are ways for those affected and those who want to support them to take care of the psychological and mental needs that may arise.
“There’s a saying I often use: ‘Just because the fire trucks pull away doesn’t mean the disaster is over,'" said David Kessler, grief expert and author of “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.”
Grief, he said, has a long shadow.
Lean into your social network for support
Kat Robinson-Malone gets overcome with emotions as she recalls gathering with friends, neighbors and family to say goodbye to her Tampa home, which was damaged by floodwaters in last year’s . Attendees were invited to sign the walls that the family knew would be torn down to rebuild a house that’s more resilient against hurricanes.
In Helene’s and Hurricane aftermath, Robinson-Malone has experienced a range of emotions.
“A home is your safe space so there’s that and then layered on top of it is the fact that this is the biggest investment that we have. ... It’s frustrating and you have those moments of anger,” she said. “There’s also just sadness and grief.”
But there’s also immense gratitude for the friends and others, which she said has made a huge difference. Another blessing, she added, was managing to hold onto like the door board on which Robinson-Malone and her husband had over the years marked their 9-year-old daughter’s height.
She found talking to her therapist helpful.
“Your best bet is to talk ... and to be aware that the conversation in your head needs to come out,” she said, adding some friends have found support groups.
She’s also learning to let go of guilt over knowing that some others have greater losses or fewer resources.
“We’re all going through this in a different way,” she said. “It’s OK to hold my suffering in a place and hold their suffering in a place.”
Reassure your children and validate their feelings
Kessler knows exactly when his childhood abruptly ended. It was when his family lost their Mississippi home to a 1969 hurricane, when he was 9.
“The change I had to go through took away my innocence,” said Kessler, who lives in Los Angeles. “It took a long time for me to sort of find that safety again.”
Children whose families have been affected by the California fires need their parents’ reassurance that they’re safe, he said.
“What that means is parents really giving them the feeling, ‘I got this. I’m taking care of you,'” Kessler said.
If a child feels scared, or like they’ll never be happy again, parents shouldn’t be dismissive, he said.
Instead, the response could be something like: “My gosh, I can see how scared you are. This has been scary for all of us. I’m with you in being scared and I got this and we’re going to get through this.”
Likewise, he said, the adults should allow themselves to feel their own feelings.
Let those impacted take the lead in how and when they want support
For some, direct exposure to a collective disaster like the California wildfires can be associated with mental health consequences, including anxiety, difficulty sleeping, hypervigilance, depression and, potentially, post-traumatic stress disorder, said Roxane Cohen Silver, a professor of psychological science at University of California, Irvine.
“Social support is crucial in a time like this,” she said, adding that over time, people may wish to seek professional help.
Silver said it's important that people who want to provide support let the affected person take the lead in sharing how much they want to talk, what they want to talk about and when.
While making clear they’re available to listen, supporters can also offer concrete assistance such as inviting disaster survivors to stay at their home, bringing them food and calling regularly to offer help, she said.
“Often there is an outpouring of support in the immediate aftermath of a disaster, but it dissipates with time,” she said. “It is important for potential support providers to continue to reach out — over months and years. This is a long-term disaster and help will likely be appreciated for a very long time.”
Despite best intentions, sometimes words meant for comfort can feel dismissive, or simply unhelpful.
Lauren Mott, core faculty member in the clinical mental health counseling program at the University of Phoenix, suggests avoiding phrases such as: “It could have been worse,” “At least you are alive,” “It is just stuff, you can replace it,” and “I know how you feel.”
More helpful, she said, could be saying: “I’m sorry you are going through this,” “How can I help?” “I’m here to listen if you would like to talk.”
“The goal is to be respectful, supportive, and empathetic," she said by email.
Monitor your feelings and behavior and exercise self-compassion
The impact of a disaster may become evident at different times for affected individuals, Mott said.
She encouraged those affected to pay attention to changes in themselves such as hopelessness or anxiety, increased anger, withdrawing from support systems, and difficulty sleeping or appetite changes. Another area to monitor, she said, is “maladaptive coping, such as turning to substances to numb or avoiding emotions through overworking or over-exercising to distract from the trauma.”
Self-care can include allowing oneself to mourn losses without judgment and focusing on basic needs like eating and sleep. Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing or meditation, can be used to manage overwhelming feelings, she added.
“If the emotional distress is impacting day-to-day life, relationships, or symptoms include flashbacks, severe anxiety, thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please seek mental health care from a trained professional,” she said.
Navigating personal and communal losses
The Rev. John Shaver of Community United Methodist Church in Pacific Palisades has experienced personal and communal losses in the wildfires. A church member who had been homebound was killed in the fire, he said. Shaver lost his church and the home where he and his family lived.
Most of his congregation's members also lost homes, he said.
“I’m trying to watch myself as I would counsel people in grief. It goes in waves,” he said. “What we need, what I need right now is just some people to just listen to us.”
He also emphasized the importance of looking out for the helpers and first responders. He recalled running into firefighters who told him they were sorry. One, though not a Methodist, asked the pastor to absolve his guilt, Shaver recalled.
“I said, 'You have nothing to be sorry about, but I appreciate your care.'"
For those affected, Shaver stressed the importance of seeking professional help when not feeling well and specifying the kind of support needed.
“I’m saying to people, ‘take some time to pause and journal,’" he said. “For the faith community, take some time to pray.”
“Everybody needs help right now. And it’s not our fault. It’s just our circumstances at this moment.”
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